As I watched the sun setting your shadow disappeared with the light. I felt relief in the dark. I took deep breaths of the cold, winter air, finding peace in between every inhale. Each out breath was warm and I found comfort in thinking even cold can become warm. I watched the condensation float into the sky and form clouds that framed the moon. The moon looked down at me and said, “You’ll be fine.” 

Too tired to write more.. I’ll add more tomorrow

The room filled with the sound of my heart beat

I could feel my tendons straining to hold me together

“Have you seen someone vulnerable before?”

My tendons gave out as I whispered “Yes”

The doctor asked me about childhood trauma

My reply made her wish I’d never walked into her office

Her face distorted with regret

“I’ll need you medicated.” Was her response

Time and space didn’t quite work together that morning

“Just wake up.” My mind screamed as I looked at my friend,

the emptiest I had ever seen him

How can anyone ask if I have seen someone vulnerable?

“Sometimes the people we love can be monsters.”

The therapist’s office filled with the sound of my heart beat

She covered her ears and asked me to just relax

“Concentrate on each out breath”

I felt my heart break, into so many pieces, fine like sand

and the tide came in, taking the pieces with it

I looked to the moon and smiled

remembering that everything will be returned to me eventually

The water line became distant 

I could still hear my heart beating over the sound of the waves

This is my song

and it’s not over yet

Still working on this

   A dull light lit the room almost like candle light. Shadows took the form of monsters, running across the white walls, filling the room with an erie darkness that made my bones ache for more light. Then a broken record started filling the room with malice, “There was nothing you could do. It’s over, over. He’s gone. Why didn’t you move?” The shadows surrounded me and began to laugh. 

    I remember laying in the dark, engulfed, lost in fear as he screamed the same thing over and over again. “Is this real?” I whispered to the space between my bed and wall, hoping for a half sincere reply. My body was cold, frozen. I was paralyzed as I heard the gunshot I was anticipating. 

    “You killed him. You killed him. You killed him.” The shadows screamed. 

   ‪”I see it on everyone’s face.” I said, regretting it as soon as the words escaped my lips. 

“What do you see?” She’d ask me.

    “You don’t want to know.” 

  When I found him, his face burned into my mind like the very first memory you can remember. 

“You killed him.”

“I want to go back.”

“You can’t.” 

“I regret. I regret. I regret.” was all I could say between each breath.

“Where are you going?” She said.
“I’m going home. I’ll take us home.” I whispered almost inaudibly.
I thought of all the faces I had lost over the years. I swear I carry them all with me. They haunt me in my sleep. Late at night she always asks why I am awake. I just can’t visit my memories anymore. 
“It’s like I only exist to people for a minuscule time and then I become a ghost. I always become a memory. We all do. I just hate how often I become a memory. I’m white noise. I hope you understand who I am.” I began to shake. I could feel the weight of my words in my chest.
”You’ll always exist to me.” I felt my bones crumble like the fallen leaves of autumn. My eye were vacant as I responded, “I don’t believe you.” The way my voice shook made it sound less sincere even though I felt this in my bones. She remained silent as I floated right through the ceiling. I felt the earth shift and I was reminded I’m alive. I wrote to her in the stars. I hope she can see it I thought as drifted further away.
I inhaled smoked and coughed out star dust. I wonder if she even noticed. I began to read my messages and all she saw were stars. My feet were finally on the ground and all I could do was mumble half hearted fragments to the empty room. My voice echoed reverberating my words directly back to me. “What a waste.” She would say. The sun went down slowly coloring the sky in a pink haze and covering the walls with dancing shadows in the bright golden light. I danced along with the rhythm of my heart beat which was pounding like drums in such a beautiful way I wished I could share my song.

“Where are you going?” She said.
“I’m going home. I’ll take us home.” I whispered almost inaudibly.
   I thought of all the faces I had lost over the years. I swear I carry them all with me. They haunt me in my sleep. Late at night she always asks why I am awake. I just can’t visit my memories anymore.  
    “It’s like I only exist to people for a minuscule time and then I become a ghost. I always become a memory. We all do. I just hate how often I become a memory. I’m white noise. I hope you understand who I am.” I began to shake. I could feel the weight of my words in my chest.
   ”You’ll always exist to me.”   

“There’s just something about being me that hurts so much. It hurts to my very core. Do you know what I mean?” I said as I exhaled another minute of my life.
“What are you so afraid of?”
I couldn’t answer.
 When I was alone I threw up my past, present and future. It lay scattered across the floor so I picked it up and put it in a box to put on my shelf next to my box of dreams.
“Who am I?” I said to myself as I felt a rage build in me like a storm.
Dust had built up along the very edges of my dreams. Everything felt hazy as I threw the selves to the floor and shattered everything into so many pieces the room filled with dust. I couldn’t breathe so I decided to light a cigarette.
“What does it matter anyway.” I said as I watched my dreams, past, present, and future exit through the window.  I felt myself, every piece of me, existing through my pores until I was nothing but a puddle on the floor.
  “Who will clean up your mess this time?” screamed a voice in my head.
I sat alone, empty, hollowed out, in a dream like state. This man who told me he could walk through walls sat with me while I smoked.
“You know that in ancient times I’d be a witch doctor, but instead I’m mental.” He said with pain in his voice.
He never spoke another word after that. The way his hands shook made me fall into my own head.

My hands shook like the petals of the cherry blossom trees I was sitting beneath. I remembered the old woman with the cart. The way her universe revolved around this cart was beautiful. I loved the simplicity. I fell in love with simplicity.  

I’ll add more. I met the most interesting man at Moxie yesterday and I’ll be posting a story about him.

“Let’s defy gravity.” I said.
“What?” She said.
“I hate time. It’s a fucking invention. I’m tired of waiting.” I just wanted to float straight through the ceiling. There was just something so appealing about leaving my body behind.

My hands shook as I looked in the mirror. 
“What does all this mean?” I said to myself.
My reflection responded, “So you can die.”
“That makes no sense.” I said.
“Fuck you.” My reflection replied. The mirror shattered into a thousand pieces.
“What part if myself did I destroy this time?” I whispered to the broken glass that shinned like beach sand in the sun.
I need the ocean, I need the sea.
The moon was hiding tonight, the night I needed him. 

I remember putting teeth under my pillow. One year I got a piece of paper.
IOU.
I remember telling my friends
they all laughed. Even the tooth fairy didn’t like me.
A few years later my mom told me that she gave me the note.
How could you?
She held me, her heart beat beating into me like a hurricane
in the eye of the storm
I whispered in my mother’s ear
you owe me nothing.

The room filled with the sound of my heart beat

I could feel my tendons straining to hold me together

“Have you seen someone vulnerable before?”

My tendons gave out as I whispered “Yes”

The doctor asked me about childhood trauma

My reply made her wish I’d never walked into her office

Her face distorted with regret

“I’ll need you medicated.” Was her response

Time and space didn’t quite work together that morning

“Just wake up.” My mind screamed as I looked at my friend,

the emptiest I had ever seen him

How can anyone ask if I have seen anyone vulnerable?

Still working on it. I’d like input on this.

I couldn’t help it as the words trickled and flowed out of my mouth in an almost inaudible sound. Just then I realized I wanted to disappear. I wanted to evaporate and float into the stars. How can I already be tired of existing? Yet with each passing day I exist, minuscule and fragile. How many times can a person break I thought as I put myself together again. I’m covered in metaphorical stitches and scars. Sometimes I wonder, does anyone notice? My heart beats with the ocean waves and I bleed salt water, does anyone notice?

“Where are you going?” She said.
“I’m going home. I’ll take us home.” I whispered almost inaudibly.
I thought of all the faces I had lost over the years. I swear I carry them all with me. They haunt me in my sleep. Late at night she always asks why I am awake. I just can’t visit my memories anymore. 
“It’s like I only exist to people for a minuscule time and then I become a ghost. I always become a memory. We all do. I just hate how often I become a memory. I’m white noise. I hope you understand who I am.” I began to shake. I could feel the weight of my words in my chest.
”You’ll always exist to me.” I felt my bones crumble like the fallen leaves of autumn. My eye were vacant as I responded, “I don’t believe you.” The way my voice shook made it sound less sincere even though I felt this in my bones. She remained silent as I floated right through the ceiling. I felt the earth shift and I was reminded I’m alive. I wrote to her in the stars. I hope she can see it I thought as drifted further away.

I remember how the rain fell onto her face. It almost looked like she was crying. To this day I can’t tell you if she was or not. The way the cold water touched her face making it slightly red with each drop. The way her breath froze in the air and I could see she was alive. I always loved this memory. I always will.

“There’s just something about being me that hurts so much. It hurts to my very core. Do you know what I mean?” I said as I exhaled another minute of my life.
“What are you so afraid of?”
I couldn’t answer.
 When I was alone I threw up my past, present and future. It lay scattered across the floor so I picked it up and put it in a box to put on my shelf next to my box of dreams.
“Who am I?” I said to myself as I felt a rage build in me like a storm.
Dust had built up along the very edges of my dreams. Everything felt hazy as I threw the selves to the floor and shattered everything into so many pieces the room filled with dust. I couldn’t breathe so I decided to light a cigarette.
“What does it matter any way.” I said as I watched my dreams, past, present, and future exit through the window.  

I like this. I’ll add more later..

The moon pulled the tide as gravity held us all on earth. I wished for a moment it would stop spinning, and everything would stop existing , just long enough for me to catch up. I couldn’t tell what dimension I was in. I needed to let go and float away but gravity held me in place.
“Why?” I asked the moon.
“That’s just how this all works.” He replied matter of fact.
“Jesus, why do I talk to you?” I looked around the corner to make sure no one else in the house could hear or see me.
I could feel my feet on the ground as the earth spun.
She’d always tell me, “Keep your feet on the ground.”
Tonight I’m flying, I’m breaking time.

Wrote this on a paper towel while painting fences. Not my best but I still like it.